Yesterday I was worried. Today I got over it and had a pedicure instead. Some might call it denial and judge me superficial and trying to avoid confronting my pain. I call it being in the moment and enjoying life every single day as long as I can.

We all go through rough phases in our lives that seem particularly hard and unfair. As the saying goes, “When it rains it pours”. Suddenly our lives fall apart. Beloved friends or family members die.  We have financial worries and problems at work. Even simple daily routines go wrong. You accidentally break your favorite piece of china. Your beautiful earrings from Italy are lost, and let’s not forget that cute pair of jeans which shrunk in the dryer. (You will never be able to wear them unless you starve yourself to a size two.) The whole world is against you – at least this is what it feels like.

Now what? You will mourn the losses and suffer from pain and you cannot let go of it. You question your fate, and you complain about constant bad luck. Everything and everyone is against you. Life is unfair. People are unfair. You feel like the victim. You are now trapped, running around in circles, and it seems like there is no way out of the misery.

This is the time when you must decide to let go and maybe have a pedicure. Seriously! When the world is falling apart around you, it is time to take good care of yourself and live your life moment by moment. All the suffering has its roots either in the past or in the future, while the present moment is what is real. You cannot rewrite history and you cannot determine everything that will happen in the future. Who knows what the future will bring or if there is a future at all? NOW is what is real and what you can enjoy.

Being in the NOW means enjoying what you have and breathing every single breath as if it is your last. Suffering pain is certainly part of the present, but don’t let it turn you into a lifelong victim or patient. Acknowledge everything that life is challenging you with, but don’t accept defeat. It is like the sunshine that comes and goes. “Enjoy the brightness and warmth when it is there, and enjoy the darkness when it is gone again. A life full of sunshine would not let you appreciate its magic.”  It is the darkness that makes us appreciate the sun – the anticipation of recurring warmth and brightness and the protection of the darkness that can give you peace and recovery. Only when you can find joy in both the light and darkness, are you living a happy life. If you can only enjoy the sun, you will be worried and scared when the light is gone again.

If you want to live a life full of pain and suffering, hold on tight to what you have and try to fight it, but you will eventually lose the battle and your quality of life. If you accept what is and enjoy the beauty and richness of now, you will still experience pain and suffering, but you will be strong enough to see the sun rising again. Happiness will always be right around the corner.

I wish you all the strength you need to live a happy life. You deserve it.

Be a woman and act like one.

I would love it if you would share your story of success with this blog community.

What is your experience with moments of pain or sadness and how did you get over it?

When I give public speeches I often talk about the motivation or hesitation of women climbing the corporate ladders.  Women feel that they have choices today, and the fact that only a few make it to the very top (women are only 3.6% of the CEOs of the Fortune 500 companies) reveals that many women simply don’t want to get on the corporate treadmill.  Women have many roles such as being a wife, a mom and a caregiver.  They want to fulfill all these roles which can naturally hinder their ambitions of taking on demanding roles in management.

I have just finished the book by Sheryl Sandberg (Lean In) who talks about the struggles of being a career woman and a mom.  Her career is exceptional and inspiring, but at the same time you feel the pain and struggle she went through to make it work.  Sheryl is of the opinion that successful women are less likeable than successful men.

Sheryl bases her finding on various studies, including the so-called Heidi/Howard experiment from 2003.  Half of the students participating in the experiment were told that the entrepreneur’s name was Heidi, and the other half was told that it was Howard.  The study then asked the students their impressions of Heidi or Howard and discovered that, though the participants rated them both as competent and worthy of respect, Howard came across more appealing while Heidi seemed less likeable and rather selfish.  There has been considerable discussion about the accuracy of this experiment, especially because it was conducted among business students who were not even in the workplace yet.

There are other studies that indicate the opposite, so that I have to ask myself: What is it about us women that we feel less worthy and respected than men?  Are we really less likeable than men in a business environment?  I respect what Sheryl Sandberg said about that topic, but at the same time I see women who are very successful in their careers also well liked.  Our nation has had three women as Secretary of State.  Many women are governors, and many have been successful in their campaigns to be elected to Congress.  Women make up 50% of the total work force today.  Just look at the most powerful Fortune 500 women such as Marissa Mayer (Yahoo), Meg Whitman (Hewlett Packard), Irene B. Rosenfeld (Kraft Foods), Sherilyn McCay (Mary Cay).  Looking at the complete list, you will be amazed about what these women have achieved.

I don’t know about you, but I cannot believe that these women are all selfish and unlikeable and absolutely no fun to work for.  I don’t need studies to know that these women are interesting and surely role models for those women who decide to make it to the top.  These women have families and raised kids and to me they are living proof that you can have a job and a life if you decide to follow that path.

It is your choice whether you want to walk that same path, but if you do decide for a career in business, don’t be worried about your likeability rating.

There might still be people out there who struggle with women in powerful positions, but they will get over it.  Likeability should not be your hurdle on the way to success.  Instead focus on what you want and just be the woman you are.

I devoted a book to this topic – Be a woman and act like one. Succeeding in Business and Life.  I think women can be successful and happy.  The few critics on your way to success should not be empowered to defeat you and your ambitions.  Don’t allow critics to stop you especially, not your inner critic who in my view is the greatest hurdle.

Be a woman and act like one. 

I would love it if you would share your story of success with this blog community.

What is your experience regarding likeability of women and men in business?

The first time I consciously reflected on becoming a beginner again – learning something new and entering unknown territory – was just before my son was born.  In my ‑ as I like to call it – “old life” I was a successful manager in the international advertising industry. I felt knowledgeable and competent in my field of business and I lived with the self-perception of being a pro.  I liked the status of being a master in my field, and I spent many years on my home turf in Germany where I felt safe and good about myself.

It was not before motherhood, relocation to California and the sudden end of my beloved advertising career that I found myself at the beginning again – the beginning of a journey in which I had no clue or sense of direction and I had no idea where I was heading.  –It was a new beginning – the start of living a conscious life as a beginner.

When I found out that I would be moving to California with my husband, I wondered, would I move to the big cities like Sacramento, San Francisco or possibly Santa Barbara or to a small community.  My journey led me to Paso Robles – the starting point of my ‘new life’.

I became a mom at the age of 44

I can honestly confess that my professional background was not necessarily useful in this arena.  My son did not respond well to my leadership skills.  He would not always cooperate and made me learn all over again how to be a different kind of leader – this time I learned to be a mom and not a manager.  Children show you your boundaries just as much as it is your job to show them theirs, and this is a skill moms better learn fast before the kids take over control.

When we moved to California I started my whole life from scratch.  Suddenly the former pro  became an unknown woman with a toddler in the park.  I had to learn to survive and at the same time keep my self-regard and dignity.  I exchanged the laptop bag for a diaper bag and I had to learn that people don’t love you for what you represent but for who you are.  I had become a “nobody”, and I learned to accept this and actually found it to be fantastic.  This recalls one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us — don’t tell!
They’d banish — you know!

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one’s name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Shortly after our move to California I started coaching training in San Francisco and became a certified business coach which showed me my limits big time.  I finally learned to live the life of a beginner consciously and thoroughly.  Many doors opened during that time that I had not seen before.  It was o.k. for me to start from the beginning again.  It was o.k. not to be a pro, and it was finally ok for me to ask for support.  I discovered an unlived potential of learning anything I could get my hands on to grow as a person.  I discovered the path of self-development and personal growth.

Being a lifelong learner is like a journey without a final destination – it is full of fun and worry.  You never know where the path is going to lead, and this is the real challenge.  We like to keep control of ourselves and others which is an effort that creates so much stress and pain.  Instead you learn that control is just an illusion and that you are so much happier if you stay open to whatever comes up.

I invite you to live your life as a beginner again.

No matter where you live – in a small town like Paso Robles or a big city like San Francisco, Sacramento or Santa Barbara – never give up learning about yourself, about others and about life.  Take the writers class you always wanted to attend.  Pick up a skill you never dared to attempt.  Attend a summer workshop.  Read interesting books, find an inspirational leader and do whatever you feel an urge to do.  Don’t worry about switching to beginner mode again, because this is your only chance to grow.

I love what Lao Tzu said:

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”

Take this single step today and begin your very personal journey as a beginner.

I invite you to comment on my blog (below) and let me know about your own “Beginning” experiences.  Thank you.

Be a woman and act like one.

Love, Hertha

When I was about 8 years old, maybe even younger, my mother put me on the back of a horse I felt intimidated by the height of the horse, but at the same time I was fascinated by the whole experience.  Fear gave way to excitement, and the beginning of a lifelong passion was born.

I could tell endless stories about my life with horses, but everyone other than my ‘horsy friends’ would be bored to death.  I will keep my story short while I encourage and coach you to find your way to balance and inner peace, not to turn you into a jockey.

I was fortunate to be able to grow up with horses, spending most of my younger years at horse barns grooming horses and digging in horse manure.  I remember vividly the pain I went through when my parents got divorced.  I started failing at school.  I felt lost.  My mom, who has always been a wise and compassionate woman, never punished me for my steadily decreasing grades and instead bought our first horse.  She knew that healing comes from inside and that my love for horses would do the job.  She was so right, and I will always be grateful for her generosity and wisdom.  Needless to say, my grades improved again and I learned to live with the breakdown of my parents’ marriage.  Kids sooner or later normally recover from their parents divorcing, but it sure felt good at the time to have a big hairy friend who loved me unconditionally.  No matter where you live – in big cities like San Francisco, Santa Barbara and Sacramento or in small Paso Robles – pain happens and needs healing.  This is the time when we need friends and a network of support – even a friendship to a four legged creature can help you ease your pain.

When I was in my late twenties and earning regular income, I bought myself a horse.  The horse of my youth was retired to pasture.  It was time to get my partner for my adult life.  Unfortunately or luckily, I already had a human life partner who wanted to participate in the “investment” of buying a horse.  The relationship did not survive, in part due to the horse, and I learned a major lesson in my life:  “Men go, horses stay.”  Derrick the horse had all my love for many years and also took all my money for his upkeep and vet bills.  As costly as this love was, it was totally worth it.  Riding and caring for Derrick kept me calm when times got rough.  I always had a place to withdraw and reconnect.

Later in my life, as a high strung senior manager in the advertising industry, I never needed a human therapist.  Derrick was all I needed, taking most of my free time and money and allowing me to devote myself to his needs.  There was no time to ponder and worry about my own feelings when I had to get up early to get Derrick ready for a ride at 6:30 am in the morning and then get changed from riding gear into my office clothes in the dusty old restroom in the barn.

When I met my husband I was finally able to share my passion with someone on the same path.  Yes, the passion that had once divided me from a human partner in my previous life is what keeps me closely connected with my husband today.

Horses have been with me for virtually all of my life.  Today when I enter the barn in the morning, I feel peace and love.  I still have great joy in everything involved with my horses (except the inevitable vet bills).  I am offering workshops with horses where we teach non-verbal communication, leadership, self-awareness and how to develop healthy relationships.

The love I carry in my heart for horses is a blessing.  They taught me that loving is living.  In my book “Be a Woman and Act Like One, Succeeding in Business and Life” I reflect on these life lessons and pass this experience on to you.  Living a life filled with love will keep you close to yourself and to others – the result is happiness.  What else can we ask for in life?

Be a woman and act like one.

There was no major party at my house without Marsha and there will be no more parties with Marsha!

Marsha passed away yesterday morning. She has left behind a hole far too big to fill, footsteps far too big to fill out and several broken hearts – like mine. Who was Marsha? She was a wonderful friend to me, to my family and in particular to our son Sherman. Marsha helped me raise him as he has developed into the wonderful boy he is. She entered our lives when he was 4 years old. For the last more than 6 years she was Sherman’s nanny, friend and tutor.

Marsha also loved to decorate our house. She took care of our flowers, especially roses, and she organized unforgettable events with me. Most of my friends know her, and some will remember her looking like a gorgeous snow queen at our annual Christmas party.

Marsha was a woman you wanted to know. She was loving, compassionate and she did everything in her power to help and support others. Even if you didn’t know her, you would wish for a friend like her.

I devote this blog to her, because I want everyone to know how wonderful she was. I also want you to think about who the snow queen in your life is. Make sure you spend enough time with her and tell her how much you love her. I am so very glad I met Marsha. Our friendship was pure and loving. I don’t feel regret, but deep pain that we will have no more time together.

Love always,
Hertha