A gender driven world

When you talk to women about this topic you will hear all kinds of stories.  Some have to do with harassment, others with admiration or even deep affection.  “I love my boss, he is the best” or “he is a great guy, unfortunately he is married”.  In my interviews I wished to hear more about men’s job performance and how they cooperate with women, but it seems like women often see the man and his male qualities with regard to women more than his qualities as a manager, coworker or boss.  Why can’t women look at men without judging their male qualities always asking the question if they are suitable for their own needs?  We expect men to look at us as managers in a professional manner, but we are not able to do the same.  Why?  It does not work that way.  As much as you see the man in a man, a man sees the woman in a woman.  We are not neutral, we are gender driven and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you stay fair and open-minded.

Knowing we are gender driven, we have to find a way to work with men efficiently, which is a challenge for many women.  I would like to share a few episodes with you about how women have approached this topic.

Women and men in the workplace

I personally always liked to work with men.  My experience was mostly positive which made it easy for me to be around men at work.  I never felt hurtful competition between myself and other men, but occasionally I felt judgment, sometimes neglect which was an unpleasant encounter with the other gender.  I once had a boss who did not seem to be in tune with me.  He could not openly attack me, because my excellent job performance made me untouchable, but he tried to work behind the scene to pull business away from me.  I never found out why he did not like me, but after I realized that there was nothing I could do to change his mind about me, I just kept on doing what I could do best and let him fry in his own fat.  At the beginning I felt uncomfortable around him, but I got used to his annoying presence and I knew one day he could not bother me any longer.  I looked at the situation as good training for myself with the motto ”Working under observation.”  I dressed up for those occasions in every sense and this did not make it easier for him!

Other women have told me their stories.  One anecdote is rather entertaining.  A manager in my team suddenly found herself in a project group led by a former lover.  He was a nice guy and he did not play that card.  He was very private about the whole matter, but everybody knew and there was a certain tension in the group about what was going to happen between them.  She could not care less about what others were thinking and she wanted the bubble to burst.  One day in one of our weekly meetings it happened.  She looked at everybody with a victory smile, then she turned to her new boss or should I say former lover and said: “You know, I have always loved to work under you!” The group was bursting with laugh and the matter was solved.  The power of humor is sometimes irreplaceable.

The way out of the dilemma

In my upcoming book ‘Be a woman and act like one.  Succeeding in life and business’ I talk about this topic in more depth.  At this point I would like to summarize my thoughts and make a suggestion for getting out of the dilemma.

Men can become competitors in your struggle to climb the career ladder as much as women compete among each other.  Especially in lower and middle management, the competition for the next step is tough.  There are only a few promotions a year and the window seats are limited, which makes the struggle for those opportunities even harder.  No matter which gender, the ambitious manager is working hard for a promotion.  I don’t see a gender struggle, but a tough competition for a promotion.

If you are able to turn these struggles into challenges and the competition into striving for excellence, you are going to be so busy focusing on your job performance that you will forget about gender competition.  Suddenly it is not about you anymore, but about how you can deliver the best results for your company.  Don’t get lost in little battles, but focus on the big picture.  You are just a little piece of the puzzle like everybody else.  We all need to work together to create the big picture, which puts everything in the right perspective again.

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What would life be without our best female friend?  No gossiping, no tandem-crying when watching a chick flick in the movie theater, no exhausting shopping tours and above all no compassion when it comes to dealing with the male counterparts.  We all need our girlfriends and especially our best girlfriends who know more about us than anybody else.

What men often consider artificial and redundant is indeed the most important relationship we women have.  We can be happily married or happily single, yet we need our BFF more than anybody else.

Who is a true BFF?

A true BFF is more than just a shopping partner.  A true BFF is the one and only person who listens to you without judgment and is always on your side no matter how wrongly you might have behaved.  She is simply your best friend and there is nothing in this world that can destroy this deep affection and loyalty.  A BFF loves you almost like your mom and dad – unconditionally.  She does not want to change you.  She loves you for who you are with all your ups and downs.  A true BFF will tell you the truth even though it can be hurtful, but she will not withdraw from you because you did not live up to her expectations.  Even though she is your best friend, she can be your toughest critic.  Nevertheless she will never allow any negative feelings to come between you.  She will never envy your successes and she will never question your abilities.  A true BFF is hard to find, but once you found her she is irreplaceable and plays a major role in your life.

Now what?

The definition of a true BFF might sound like a dream come true. If you get lucky you might have even more than one BFF.  It all begins with you.  Do you have BFF potential?  It always needs two to make a couple and it always takes two to build a long-term BFF relationship.  Women with BFF potential often have at least one best female friend, while the ones without these skills often do not have these close relationships with other women.  I think these women really miss a valuable experience and the support of a true friend.

The importance of the best female friend

The higher you climb up the career ladder, the more you are going to need your best female friend.  You will have no real friends at work and, therefore, you need more support outside the company.  You want to talk about your worries, your struggles and your successes to a person you can fully trust.  You want to talk from woman to woman about your experiences at work, and you long for the female perspective on certain issues.  Your true BFF can be the one person who listens to you, supports you and empowers you.  She is your filter when you deal with anger, and she is like a journal patiently holding all your secrets sealed and safe.

There is so much to say in favor of the best female friend in your life, but the question remains how to find her and when you find her, how to keep her in your life.

I am lucky to have several wonderful female friends who are very close to me.  However, the few with BFF potential are different in distinct areas.  Let me share with you what I think distinguishes a good friend from the best female friend:

She always senses when I need her and then she is there for me without prior notice.

The minute she comes through the door, we are able to pick up where we left off.  This can be after a day, a week or even be months ago.

She mirrors my emotional make-up saying she feels what I feel without further explanations.  It is almost like chemistry.

She offers her support at any time and it never seems to be too much to ask for.

She makes me feel relaxed and comfortable. It is easy to be around her.

She shares my sense of humor, laughs and cries with me.

She loves and respects me the way I am.

She is my biggest supporter and my toughest critic.  It is her privilege to say things I would kill others for!

She is the first person crossing my mind when I need to urgently talk to somebody other than my husband or parents.

Once you have found this quality in a friend, you better make sure to keep her in your life.  How?  The answer is simple.  Be for her what she is for you.  Thus. your relationship is balanced and happens on an eye to eye level.  It must be a mutual experience and not just a one side affection to make it work for a lifetime.

Final thoughts

My praise for the best female friend does not imply that you can’t have male friends or that your family is not good enough.  The BFF does not replace your family, but she is a wonderful addition, and there is nobody else who better shares your female struggles with you than another female.

Go for it and enjoy the pleasures of true women friendship.  Please share your story of true friendship and why you think it is important to have this kind of a relationship in your life.

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Do you feel you are not the person you want to be? Are you unable to live up to your full potential? Is your life marked by compromise just so you can function?

I can help. We will assess your strengths are and evaluate your current job situation. We are often simply in the wrong position that does not allow us to live up to our full potential. We then hold back because the job description does not allow more or because we are afraid of making a wrong move that has fatal consequences. Coaching will help reveal to you what is holding you back or if you simply need a different platform for your skills.

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You are in a position where you want to make changes.  Wouldn’t it be great to have your own business?  You become your own boss, nobody is telling you what to do and you can make all the decisions needed for successful development of the enterprise.Many of us dream of our own business, but only a few follow this path.  ‘Why is that?’ you might ask.  Is it the financial instability, the fear of failure or is it the comfort of a monthly pay check from a company you don’t necessarily feel responsible for?  The answer is: None of this is the real hurdle.  Instead it often is a lack of passion – a not knowing what you really want, what you really enjoy and what you are really good at.  A lack of passion stops you from living up to your full potential and might be the reason for living an unfulfilled life.  If you agree and if you want to dig deeper into this topic, I want to lead you to step one of changing your life into a possible entrepreneurial adventure and a meaningful life.

The Passion List

We all have a long list of strengths and weaknesses, but unfortunately we often get stuck with our weaknesses instead of focusing on what we can do and what we are really good at.  As a start, put your inner critic aside and contemplate for a while on your passions.  The way you do this is quite simple.  Make a list of 10 points capturing your passions.  Do not yet prioritize, just list all of your passions.  These can be hobbies, skills and also family and friends can be on the list.  Just name whatever crosses your mind that is something you are passionate about.

In the next step, you begin to prioritize and try to figure out what the three strongest passions are.  This is the hard part.  For example if you have cooking, gardening, family as your three strongest passions on the list, you now must find out which is number one, number two and number three.  To make this step even harder, I want you to ask yourself the following question: If you can only rescue one, which one would you choose?  If you can only choose cooking by never getting the chance to do gardening again, would you still prefer cooking?  I know this is not how life works, but for best results it is unavoidable.  Of course, we can follow various passions in our life and there is nothing wrong with that.  But in order to find the strongest passion as the basis for future business ideas, we must go through this process.  There is only one answer and it can take time to get there.

The purpose of this exercise is to find your strongest passion which will then lead you to what you want to do to give this passion shape and make it the foundation for your business idea or for looking for employment in the market.  Take your time for this exercise and be honest and gentle with yourself.  What is the one thing that drives you and gives your life meaning?

The Vision

It is one thing to say you want to have your own business, but what exactly do you want to do?  You have ideas which change as often as you change your clothes.  There are ideas that simply don’t stick with you, even though they seem to be strong ideas with a good chance for success.  I remember after we relocated to the States, I woke up every morning with a new business idea. By the next day or after a few days, the same idea that seemed to blow my mind had simply dissolved.  It simply did not stick with me and I went on to explore the next idea.  What I was lacking at that time was clarity about my passion and a lack of vision.  In those days, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life professionally.  I had no sense of purpose and I did not know in which direction I wanted to go.

Without a vision, there won’t be a business.  A business without a vision is destined for failure.  Once you know what your passion is, you can continue with the vision on the way towards future business success.

Here is a definition by Wikipedia:

Vision: Defines the way an organization or enterprise will look in the future.  Vision is a long-term view, sometimes describing how the organization would like the world to be in which it operates.  For example, a charity working with the poor might have a vision statement which reads “A World without Poverty.”

You are passionate about fashion and you love designing.  Now imagine that you are the enterprise and you want to develop your vision such as “feminine fashion at affordable prices” into a business idea.  Getting so close to what you really like, you might want to start a retail business in fashion or maybe you begin to design clothes and sell the designs to bigger manufacturers.  The list of options is huge as soon as you know what your passion and your vision are.  Allow all your business ideas to arise and be with them for a while and give the whole process some time to find a shape that sticks with you.

The Business Plan

Now that you have come this far, the next step is almost easy.  You have arrived at the point when you must do the due diligence, the planning and the marketing.  I recommend seeking professional support to work your way through this process.  You must make sure to find the right area for opening your business; you must clarify the finances and investment, and you need to do some research to find out where your target market is.  The business plan is important for your negotiations with a bank and it also includes business goals to keep you on track.  You will find free business plan templates online if you want to work yourself through the process at this point.

It is a lot of work, but it is a straightforward process once you are clear about what you want to do.

Final thoughts 

If you do not intend to start your own business, but you are looking for purpose and direction you can go through the same process.  Then ask yourself the question if the company you are working for and the industry you are working in is what you really want to do.  Knowing about our passions and finding a vision is the basis for living a meaningful life, and this does not depend on whether you work for yourself or for somebody else.  It is all about what you do for yourself and what you do with your life that allows you to live up to your full potential.

Be a woman and act like one.  Please share your story with other women and let us learn from each other.

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