Compose your life with power and ease

Posted on November 9, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

Allow me to name my current blog after my mission: Be a woman and act like one. Compose your life with power and ease. Do these words resonate with you? What do you visualize when you read these words? Well, I don’t know unless you share your thoughts with me, but I can tell you what my intention is, and please feel free to argue with me!

I am not a figure in the feminist movement, but I support the movement of women who want to live their femininity in all areas of their lives. Many of you who know me and follow my work can see my mission reflected in every piece I write. My book Be a Woman and Act Like One, Succeeding in Business and Life, published this year as in addition to my monthly blogs that I have been writing for about two years, represent what I am standing for – the feminine way of life. I want to support women on their way to success and simply in living a happy life.

Living a happy life is like the composition of a symphony. Every tone is essential and adds to making it a masterpiece. You are the composer of your symphony of life and you decide on every part. There are no “should have’s”, “but” or “whys,” only I Will and I Want. The composition of a masterpiece involves struggles and some painful moments, but the result is overwhelmingly beautiful and gracious.

You might ask now: how can I become a composer of my own life? My life is full of stuff, I am wearing too many hats, I feel overwhelmed and overworked, I am on a treadmill day by day and I can’t see a way out. “I hear you” and I can see what you are going through. This is not an exceptional situation, but a situation many women find themselves in. The way out of this vicious circle can be summarized in one word: leadership.

Develop your leadership skills and take full charge of your life. In my public speeches, I often talk about this topic and there are many surveys that confirm the position of women as I view it. Leadership skills are a set of emotional and social skills that distinguish you from others. These are skills like assertiveness, problem solving, relationship skills, etc. just to name a few. These skills can be learned and contrary to cognitive intelligence, there is always room for development when it comes to these skills. There is just one thing that many seem to forget: to become a good leader for others, you must become a good leader for yourself. You have to start by knowing about your feelings and motivations before you can lead others.

Women have it all and want it all. They have the leadership skills that are needed to be successful in business but they often decide against entering the corporate world to climb the career ladder. The number of women in the US in senior positions is quite low compared to the number of men. Instead there is a visible trend that shows more and more women starting their own businesses. Why struggling with the so called glass ceiling? Why deal with male competitors? I do it my way which leaves me room to have it all – career and family.

This trend reflects a new self-confidence among women. It is their answer to the glass ceiling and it shows leadership. This is what I am talking about when I motivate women to be the composers of their lives. It does not matter if you start your own business, climb the career ladder in a corporation or take a well-planned career break, the main aspect is that you do what you want to do and what makes you happy.

Women must get better in listening to their own needs instead of constantly pleasing others. Women must give themselves permission to enjoy. Women must learn to express what they want and make it happen. Women have the talent, the education and the power to compose a masterpiece. What they still need is the courage to get it done.  Once they overcome this barrier, they can compose the symphony of their lives in a way that many others will follow and love to play a crucial part in it.

Please support me on this mission to motivate and support women on this path. Forward this link to all the women you respect or love or both and let us create a movement for women starting among friends. I look forward to your comments. Let’s get the ball rolling.

Be a woman and act like one and compose your life with power and ease.

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Extend the radius for your pursuit of happiness

Posted on October 5, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

The race to the finish line

Many of us live a good life and there is no serious reason to complain.  Overall, life is good and we feel like we are the lucky ones.  Although we struggle with problems, we feel strong enough to deal with the life’s challenges.  There are diseases, losses, financial worries, heartbreaks and many other painful experiences, but we accept those hurdles as part of the race we are in – the race to the finish line – the end of our lives.

Yet ask yourself; must life really be a race?  If we slow down, we still get to the end, but it might take longer and can be a much more enjoyable experience.  My mother used to tell me, “Don’t live your life so fast.”  In those days when I was young, I did not understand what she meant, but today, many years older and after many sprints, I fully understand what her message was all about.  There are hopefully many more years to go with my best intention to slow down and let others pass me in the fast lane.  Today I know it is not about winning a race but about enjoying the run.

No matter if you are in the fast lane or slowing down, I want to ask you if you have ever considered leaving the beaten path to try unfamiliar tracks.  Of course, it feels good to know what to expect when walking down known paths, because we believe we can anticipate the hardships and obstacles that await us.  (Just a belief because in reality we have little choice in what challenges we will meet.)  We prefer to stick to what we know and stay in our comfort zone.  Why take risks by trying something new?

There are also some of us who want to leave the beaten path, asking the question:  is that it?  Is there more, anything new I can explore?  Should I change the direction, my speed or simply look for new ways to go?

Life is an adventure

This blog is dedicated to these adventurers who dare to turn into a direction they don’t know yet.

Let me share with you my experience of what happened when I left the familiar.  I must admit that the first step towards the “new direction” did not happen by my free will.  Outer forces pushed me into the cold water and I had to learn to swim in a wild ocean instead of my favorite heated pool.

About 8 years ago my beloved husband’s career as a partner in a major international law firm came to an end, and he felt it necessary to leave Germany and return to his native California with me and our son.  I hated the idea, but the circumstances did not leave us much choice.  Change was in the air and it was on us to decide which direction to go.  We decided to move to California, especially for me a journey into the unknown.  We did not have a house or a job.  We did not have friends and had just a few family members who lived five hours away from where we decided to relocate.  This was a fresh start, to put it in friendly words, and at the time I was convinced that this was in fact a crappy idea.  There was no guarantee for luck and happiness.  The California sun was the only fact we could rely on.

What felt like a nightmare at the beginning, however, has turned into a wonderful adventure.  Now, eight years later and after many struggles, we know that we made the right decision.  We were happy in Germany, but we are also very happy where we are now.  We exchanged one happiness for a new happiness and we love it.  Yes, the loss of the familiar was hard, and it took me at least two years to gain a feeling of belonging, but it has been totally worth it.  We have created a new life for our family and we have enjoyed every step on the way.

With the knowledge from this experience and having learned that leaving the beaten path brings adventure and joy, I have become far more curious about what else is out there.  I have lost my fear of the unknown, and instead we became friends.

My question to you:  Why don’t you extend your radius for your pursuit of happiness and leave the beaten path.  There will always be life’s nasty surprises waiting for us no matter if we stay where we are or not.  There is no guarantee for happiness on any path, but I can guarantee you that the chances for you to find happiness and fulfillment are greater by being adventurous and open to what the world has to offer.  There are so many things we can learn in life, and life-long learning, experiencing new things, countries or people is what makes us grow and lets us live a more intense life – a life worth living.

Start your new mission

You can start this new mission in little baby steps.  Try a new dish in your favorite restaurant or, even better, try a new restaurant.  Open up towards different ways of thinking, change your perspective on life and let go of the familiar.  Even if just for a little while, try something new and experience what this change does to you.  Sometimes it is enough to change your regular seat at the conference table to gain a new perspective.  You will be amazed what this change in your routine will do to you.  You might even skip your beloved vacation in your favorite hotel, always lying on the same sunbed by the pool, and instead travel to a country or city or place you have never seen, in a hotel you don’t know, or maybe you finally go on a camping trip or a cruise wondering why you have not done that before.

There are many ways to extend the radius for your pursuit of happiness.  Start your journey into the unknown today.  The tickets are free, take a deep breath and go for it…..

Be a woman and act like one.  Please tell us about your pursuit of happiness and allow us to learn from your story.

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2-Day Workshop – September 22 and 23, 2012 – Sign Up Today!

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

Be a Woman and Act Like One 2-Day Workshop
September 22 and 23, 2012 – Sign Up Today!

How horses can help you in your development
A life changing experience

Women in business often struggle with living their femininity.  This struggle leads to symptoms such as lack of authenticity, insecurity about job performance, questioning personal values and low self-esteem.  As a result, women struggle with being successful leaders and they become lifelong followers in a world led by men.

Getting to the roots of a problem

Like any other problem, you have to get to the roots before you find a way out.  You can’t repair a broken car before you know what the problem is.  A doctor can only successfully treat symptoms when he has diagnosed the disease.

How can you deal with the source of your struggles in business and life?  Live your femininity in all areas of your life and develop your authenticity. Reveal who you really are: A powerful woman and not a bad copy of a man.

In my workshop we will get to the roots of your problem.  What is holding you back?  How can you develop your self-awareness?  How can you strengthen your leadership and communication skills?

We will do individual and group exercises and learn about useful tools you can use in daily life that support your personal growth.

We will also work with horses. Why horses?

Horses are the wisest mentors in teaching human leadership, self-awareness and how to develop healthy relationships.

Horses can heal and teach non-verbal communication.  They respond to a person’s intentions, emotions and thoughts that are expressed through body language.  Through a horse’s response, a person can learn to face and manage fears and emotions and communicate clearly.  Horses sense and reflect our fear and anxiety as well as our self-confidence and clarity.

The skills we generate from working with horses can be transferred into the business environment.  You will learn a lot about your leadership skills by working with a horse.  They can be your training partner to establish trust and help you respect and discover the unique abilities that make you a better leader.

Join my upcoming 2-Day Workshop on September 22 and 23, 2012 today. For more information please contact me at 805.234.6454, email Hertha@HWA-Coaching.com or visit my website.

When: Saturday – Sunday, September, 22 and 23, 2012
Where: Paso Robles, CA
Cost: Introductory rate of $200/person includes lunch, beverages, and a copy of my book.

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How a trip to Italy can help you find a new perspective

Posted on August 6, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

This summer my family and I took a trip to the country of joy – Italy.  We picked Italy as our travel destination for various reasons.  One is the culture – there is nothing compared to the ancient historical sights you find in Rome or other historic places in Italy.  They say that “Many ways lead to Rome” and I hope that you will get the chance to travel there, too.  The city is breathtaking and offers you an unforgettable experience.  It was not only Rome that took our breath away.  We also drove further south and stayed in Pompeii and at the Amalfi coast.  Walking through the ancient city of Pompeii brought us close to the way the Romans used to live, and the hike up to mount Vesuvius let us feel superior – literally on top of the world!

Another good reason for traveling to Italy is simply the Italian lifestyle.  The Mediterranean way of living is lively and delightful.  People are in the street drinking, eating and talking until late at night.  Having late night dinners at a piazza in Rome while soaking up the Mediterranean lifestyle is simply fantastic and an experience you will remember forever.

Sorry, for getting carried away, but I am still very excited about this vacation.  I can assure you that I have not transformed into a travel agent and I don’t have any intention of selling Italy to you.  I simply want to tease you with the idea of spoiling yourself.  Traveling to Italy is just one way to pamper your soul by stepping into the footsteps of Venus for a little while.  I am asking you to give yourself permission to take a break from your daily life.  You surely recall somebody else having said this to you previously and you certainly have many good reasons why you cannot get away this summer.  I hear you, but my invitation to get away is based on more solid grounds than simply having fun.

Having a vacation is not pure luxury.  It is a journey to new insights and new experiences.  You are getting away from your daily life for a good reason.  With distance you will change the perspective of how you view your life.  Why do you think that one thing or the other is important?  A change of perspective widens your view and you will get the bigger picture.

We are often stuck within our small world with the result that we can’t see the big picture.  Small problems dominate our daily life, and we totally forget that the world is much bigger.  Take a little test.  Look closely at an object in front of you.  Get very close to it and describe what you see.  Then step back and look at the object again.  What happens?  Suddenly you don’t only see the object but everything that is around it.  Move away from the object even further and you will see an even bigger picture.  You still see the object, but the context is much bigger.  What seemed big has become small, what seemed irrelevant suddenly makes sense.  A change of perspective by getting a certain distance helps us to see more.  Once we see more, we understand more and we don’t get carried away by the little, bothersome bits and pieces.  Once we understand that we are just a small piece of the puzzle, we feel less pressure.  We basically do our part knowing that we are not alone on this mission.  Our seemingly big problem turns into just one little problem in the whole universe.

Of course, this topic invites a much deeper philosophical discussion.  At this point I just want you to get started taking a few first steps.  Widen your view of life by taking a vacation this summer.  It does not have to be a trip to Italy to find a new perspective (even though it is a really nice option!).  Just step back, take a break and you will be surprised about the big picture that appears.

Be a woman and act like one.  Please share your story.

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For My Friend Becky – Homage to Courage and Gentleness

Posted on July 13, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

My wonderful friend Becky recently passed away. She suffered from cancer for over a year. Nevertheless the message of her death came unexpectedly. She was a woman you wanted to live forever but she did not. It is not difficult to describe her because she was pure like fresh mountain water. I loved her for the beauty of her character and simply for her true-self.

Becky Rios

Becky was my first coaching client, my son’s pre-school principal and a very good friend. Never before in my life have I met a woman like her who was so compassionate, gracious and loving. She shared her love, her small wealth and her being with everybody who needed help. Giving was second nature to her and she gave to everybody who needed help. She never expected anything in return. She did not have a hidden agenda. She did not give to earn respect or appreciation. There was no self-interest involved in any of her deeds.

Becky was a very special woman, and that she had to become so sick and struck by destiny seems unfair. Why her? What was the deep meaning of her suffering? Why did she have to go so soon? Who wrote the script for that sad story? I don’t know the answers, but I know that she left the world in peace, because her faith and courage helped her until the very end to accept her life’s script.

When I met her for the last time a couple of weeks ago, we had lunch at a Mexican restaurant. She was cheerful even when we talked about her fatal disease and painful treatment. She knew she was not healthy and she knew she would not recover. She took every day as it was, hoping for more time – months or even years. We made plans to travel to Mexico together so that she could visit her brother. She liked the idea and I truly believed it would happen. I don’t know if she just made me believe that we would take the trip next year to keep me calm and happy or if she truly believed it herself. Since she never showed any real fear of death, I am not quite sure what she felt when we talked about the travel plans. I would not be surprised if she left me thinking that we were going to make the trip in winter or spring in order not to scare me. I did not know that this last lunch was the last time I would ever see her again.

Becky made me a better person and I am sure she strongly affected other peoples’ lives, too. I believe that we can all learn from her courage – the way she faced life and its challenges. We can also learn from her gentleness – simply being compassionate and loving. Sometimes it seems that courage and gentleness are opposites that don’t work very well together and therefore we tend to be either on the tough side or on the gentle side. Wrong! Becky taught me better and I know that we can unite the so-called opposites and let them be partners. We have choices in life and my choice is clear:

I will follow Becky’s legacy and develop my courage as well as my gentleness. I want to face life with the same courage Becky did and I want to live my life without fear, no matter what is going to happen to me. I will also allow my gentleness to be part of my being and doing without worrying about losing myself.

Becky left far too soon, but she will always be with us in our hearts. She was good, she meant good and she made the ones who knew her closely good people simply by setting an example.

Thanks my friend for being part of my life. I will be forever grateful and I will never forget you.

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Age-Guessing: Trap or Gag?

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

The other day when I went shopping at a local clothing store, I experienced an event which was kind of funny and at the same time not funny at all.

After I selected a couple of items, I stood in line at the cashier. In front of me, of course, there was a delay with a lady who truly believed she could pay with her husband’s credit card. You know these moments when you are under time pressure and the stupidity or confusion of others is holding you back from being a successful high achiever. Anyway, my obvious impatience was about to receive payback. I insisted that the cashier take care of me while the other lady was looking for her desperate husband who was wandering through the store or hiding behind some shelves to observe the spectacle. I don’t know if she ever found him, but I learned that impatience is not a virtue and deserves immediate punishment.

The cashier, who was either trying to be nice or obnoxious (I won’t find that out either) offered me 10% off my shopping items as a senior special discount. I was startled and told her that I am not a senior and I showed absolutely no interest in accepting her generous offer. I don’t really know what was driving my temper, but I did not want to be judged and put into the senior drawer. The cashier, a young, assertive lady, was not ready to give up. She explained to me that the senior discount applies to everybody 55 years and older. While she said that she looked at me triumphantly as somebody looks who has just won a competition. My high achiever competitive flame was ignited and I looked at her with the same confidence, “I am not 55 years old yet.” There was no way that I was going to accept a senior discount; giving in was not an option.

You might think that this ended the matter, but the dialogue was far from over yet. The cashier was not willing to move from her position. Maybe she genuinely wanted me to have the special discount, or perhaps she actually wanted to put an end to my diva behavior. She continued, “Not even close?” Well, I have to confess that I am close with my 53 years of age, but again giving in was not an option. I looked straight into her eyes and responded testily with absolute conviction: ”Not even close, sorry”. Her attempts to grant me the discount finally failed, and I happily left the store carrying the pride of victory and a bunch of clothes at regular price.

I have to laugh when I think about this little incident. What is it about age-guessing that drives women crazy and what can we learn from my story?

First of all, don’t fall into the trap when another woman asks you: “How old do you think I am?” Careful, this question means trouble. If you make a guess that is definitely too young, she will not believe you and knows you don’t mean it. If your guess makes her older, you are definitely in deep trouble. If you guess almost the exact age, you are still in trouble, because every woman wants to appear younger than she really is. As a result: You cannot win this game and should, therefore, try to find a smart way to side-step the question. “Sorry, I am not good at age guessing, but you truly look fantastic, whatever your age”. A response like this is the best way out of the dilemma.

The cashier at the clothing store was too young to recognize this fact and, in her favor, I will believe that she was just trying to be nice to me. Nevertheless, I hope that she will refrain from trying to talk women into senior rates. It would be a smarter approach to post the special offer on a sign next to the cashier, and any woman who is interested can ask for the discount. I might even have bargained for the discount saying, “I am not 55 years old yet, but close. Can I please get the discount”?  A smile from the cashier saying, “Of course, even though you look so much younger” would have made my day.

In case you become the victim of age-guessing without having volunteered for it, take it easy and don’t be as stubborn as I was. Instead take the discount and run. At least your legs will follow your lead.

Please share your story and tell us how you live your femininity.

Be a woman and act like one.

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Finding Your Voice to Find Your “Man” in Life

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

I dedicate this article to a wonderful friend.  She represents feminine power in a way many women are striving for.  Being hurt by an unhappy relationship, she still believes in herself and converts her disappointment into moving on – alone at least for a while.

Even when I was losing … I still had the feeling that he cannot hurt me. Either I can win the match, or I can lose the match. Sometimes I was a little surprised at how slow he played the balls.”
-Dominik Hrbaty

Many single women are very frustrated about their marital status.  Why is everybody married but me?  Why can’t I find Mr. Right?  Why do I always pick the wrong guys?  Why am I unable to make good choices when it comes to men?  Why does my boss always pick me when it comes to working overtime while my married coworkers seem to enjoy marital protection?  Why, why, why…

There are so many questions and doubts when it comes to finding a partner for life.  Finding true love seems like a special gift only given to the selected – the lucky ones.  That is not true.  It is up to you to decide whether you are a lucky one or not.  It is your very own decision to become a lucky one by believing in your femininity and the beauty of who you are.  How can you do that?

Start with yourself by falling in love with yourself.  Cherish the person you are and settle in a stable and safe space for yourself.  Let me explain.  If you want to sing in a duet or a choir, first of all you must develop your own voice.  You practice with all your passion until you feel confident about your singing skills.  It is not before you have reached a certain skill and confidence that you can sing in a duet or a group.  The beauty of a duet or choir is combined voices at their best.  Now let us apply this into a love relationship.  First you must learn to be in tune with yourself and gain confidence and competence.  In the next step, you can leave your safe haven and find a partner.  Unfortunately there is another obstacle.  Finding harmony in music by combining a bass and a soprano can become a challenge.   The trick is to find a voice that works well with yours and makes a wonderful tone.  Welcome to the world of dating.

There are so many options and I don’t want to talk about all the dating sites, singles events and other activities.  I understand that you hate getting out there to go men shopping, but you must become active if you are serious about finding a partner.  Nobody is knocking at your door other than the mail man (maybe he’s cute!).  Dating will not hurt you as long as you are not needy and insecure.  You must be a victim to become victimized.  This is not the path you want to go.  Make sure you are ready before you enter the dating world.

Assuming you have developed your space and found your voice, assuming you feel confident and self-assured, no man can truly hurt your feelings.  No disappointment will be strong enough to destroy you and your beautiful voice.  Why?  Because you will always have yourself and that is your strongest asset.

Be a woman and act like one.  Please share your own story about living a single life and dating.

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Now it is your time to pay back. When your parents need you most.

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

Just recently I had to make the hardest decision of my life:  I had to sign the papers that sent my mother to a nursing home.  You might ask, “What made this decision so hard and painful?”  My mother lives on the other side of the world.

All your life your parents take care of you.  They are there for you when you need them, always covering your back with love, support and sometimes financial help.  They guide you and never judge you.  They love you and never let you down.  Then the day comes when they can’t keep up the role of the caregiver of their children.  They start to require care – frail, often sick and in need.  This is our time to provide the best care for the ones we love so much.

What is the best you can do for your parents?  This is where the problem starts and I must honestly admit: I don’t know.  After my mother showed severe signs of dementia and almost died as result of falling in her home despite having a 24hr caregiver, I was forced to realize that the best for her is probably what she hates the most – leaving her home and moving into a nursing home.  It felt to me like I was pushing her off the cliff to save her from a raging fire.  I had the choice between almost certain death at home or letting her drop into the unknown – both painful options with no good way out.  As a responsible daughter, you want your parents to be safe and cared for, and this is why you most probably choose the drop off the cliff into a nursing home.  It hurts but once they land they are on safe ground.

When you are confronted by your parents’ lives ending, you must deal with questions nobody has prepared you for.  As a mom you learned about raising children, but nobody taught you how to accompany your parents to the end of their lives.  Many women are able to take their parents in and provide for everything they need.  Others don’t have the option and reach out for professional help.  There are certainly various options.  Whatever option you choose, you are in charge and take over the lead.  Your parents might not cooperate, they will be upset, scared or angry.  Your role is ungrateful and nobody will appreciate what you do.  You suddenly find yourself alone with a load of responsibility and despair.

Women wear many hats.  We take care of our children and husbands and often have a day job.  On top of that, we want to do the best for our old parents in a way that everybody is taken care of and nobody will complain.  I call this a ‘mission impossible’; there is no way you will succeed.

So where to go from here?  I can only provide you with what I have learned and tell you how I am keeping my head above water.  I cherish what I have and every single day I see my family, husband and son, showing them my love and support.  I do the same with my mother and confirm to her every day that I am there for her.  I am not perfect, but I am doing the best I can knowing that it is never going to be good enough.  I finally learned to accept that fact.  Yes, I accept that I don’t have the perfect solution for everybody, and I ask for forgiveness and patience.

There is not one day that I am not concerned about the well-being of my beloved ones, but at the same time I know that I also have to take care of myself – my well-being.  They need me and I want to make sure I can be there for them even with my imperfection.  I must stay strong and healthy which is a real challenge in the struggle of paying back.  There are certainly numerous methods to take care of yourself in trying times, but once you understand that your engine needs maintenance to perform, you can find the best service.

I wish you all the best for this part of your life.  I have all the confidence that you will also do the best you can for the ones you love so much.  Save some time for yourself and keep going.  For my part, I will take a bath now and allow my muscles to relax from the tension that has built up with my concern about my mother who, like many mothers, needs her children most at this stage in her life.

Please share your own story.  Be a woman and act like one.

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Become the “Real Deal” – The Power of Authenticity

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

A couple of weeks ago I went to an evening event at Cal Poly State University in San Luis Obispo with Ann Coulter.  For those who don’t know her:  She is a successful author, accomplished speaker and Fox News commentator, and you either love her or hate her.  She is the “real deal,” which means she lets everybody know what she is thinking and feeling – with no exceptions.  For me she is a masterpiece of authenticity for several reasons:

Ann speaks up even though she might be stepping on somebody’s toes (this happens all the time).  Her honesty is mind-blowing and she says things you would rather not hear.  Nevertheless, she speaks up because this is who she is and she cannot help but be herself.  Her looks are stunning and if you think that a woman in her 50’s cannot wear short skirts, she will prove you wrong. Ann blows into the room like a whirlwind (not just a breeze), her long blond hair revealing femininity is stunning and deceiving at the same time.  If you think you are talking to a blonde “girly” you are so wrong.  It won’t take you more than 2 seconds to figure out that this woman is as tough as they come, yet she retains her femininity.

This is not a homage to Ann Coulter, but a call for more authenticity among women.  You don’t have to agree with Ann’s politics and her style, but you can still learn a lot from her.  The biggest lesson is this:  Being authentic takes guts and having guts is reflected in how you show who you really are.

Don’t misunderstand. You should not try to copy Ann or somebody’s style or way of being.  Instead, work on your own authenticity and being.  Women often take the role of the pleaser.  We don’t want to disappoint and we don’t want to show what we really feel or think.  Women often hide and play the roles they feel they need to play to make things or their relationships work.  We want others to like us and we want others to include us.  Will others still like me when they know what I really think?  Who cares?  Would you rather be loved and respected for who you really are or for who you pretend to be?

The answer to me is a no-brainer.  I want to be loved and respected for who I am.  I have weaknesses and edges, but I have a lot to give.  So do you!  Don’t question yourself and allow others to consistently question you.  Begin to embrace who you really are and let the world know who this person is.

You will make new friends and maybe lose some old friends.  You will make many people happy while disappointing others, but one thing is certain, you will never be disappointed about yourself and you will never question who you are.  That is the “real deal,” because you can rely on what really matters: YOU.

Be a woman and act like one. Please share your own story with us.

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Let’s be friends – but when? How schedules determine friendships

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Hertha Wolff-Arend

As with many women, my life is pretty full.  It is full of things I like to do, full of thing must do and full of things I feel I must do but don’t do.  I hate these days when I run around all day long and by the end of the day I don’t even remember what I did.  I am sure you can relate to these feelings.  Most of us are multitasking busy bees taking care of everything and everybody and losing our sense for direction and meaning.  To escape this vicious circle of “should haves”, “would haves” and” could haves”, I start each day with the question:  What do you want to accomplish today?  By raising this question, I make sure the day is not going to be lost and I find meaning and direction.

This sounds all great and I hope you trust my true intentions, but there is one missing link.  By “saving the world” and giving meaning to my doing, I forget to save enough room for the people I love other than my family – my friends.  My family always comes first, then my work and my passion for horses and then my friends.  Uups, is there enough room for the people I appreciate so much?  Do I spend enough time with my friends who I love and respect, who bring me joy and comfort and who are longing to spend time with me?   Of course not, and this bothers me a lot.

Just recently I suffered a complaint of a very good friend who said that it is very hard to be friends with me, because I am so determined by my schedule.  This hit me hard, and I hate to say it, but she was right.  With a busy schedule, you begin to prioritize and every day you make a decision about what is really important, less important and what can wait for a while.  As a result, you lose your flexibility and spontaneity.  Schedules begin to rule your life.  Being well organized becomes a demon constantly watching over you, making sure that you don’t screw up the so well prepared priority list.  You put everything into a useful order and unfortunately some of your friends move down the priority list unless they scream for attention by becoming terribly sick or anything else tragic happens that makes you switch into emergency mode.

The fact is that there is hardly enough time for the inner circle of friends as well as your family.  What happened to the woman you met a few months ago after work.  You had the best time, great bonding, but…. You can’t really afford to have another friend due to your busy schedule.  Or what happened to your friend from the old day?  You always had so much fun when you got together.  Sorry, my busy schedule hardly leaves any room for old friends.  You have to stay focused on the inner circle and the friends who live close by.  I could go on and on with examples of missed opportunities to be with wonderful people due to scheduling issues.  Yes, social media such as Facebook helps you to reconnect, but no email or post can replace personal contact.

What is the answer to this problem you ask?  How can you be focused and organized in life and still have room for your friends – close friends, second row friends and new friends?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I only know that I am not surrendering and that I will always try my best to be a good friend to the people I love and respect.  My motto is:  “Quality rules quantity,” saying I will make sure that I stay in touch with the people who are important to me and cherish the time I spend with them.  I also enjoy the new and unpredictable encounters with people who are interesting and who I simply enjoy.  We might not see each other as frequently as I wish, but when we are together we are having a great time.  It is the moment that counts.  A life full of great moments is a life better lived than a life with only a few great moments.  If you add up all these precious moments they make a lifetime.

And here is the really good news:  You are not alone with this problem.  My friends fight the same demon and as long as we are all on the same page, we will not lose our valuable friendship.  Instead we all work on the quality of the moment and generously neglect the rarity of the event.

Please share your own story and experiences.

Be a woman and act like one.

Hertha

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