Just recently I had to make the hardest decision of my life: I had to sign the papers that sent my mother to a nursing home. You might ask, “What made this decision so hard and painful?” My mother lives on the other side of the world.
All your life your parents take care of you. They are there for you when you need them, always covering your back with love, support and sometimes financial help. They guide you and never judge you. They love you and never let you down. Then the day comes when they can’t keep up the role of the caregiver of their children. They start to require care – frail, often sick and in need. This is our time to provide the best care for the ones we love so much.
What is the best you can do for your parents? This is where the problem starts and I must honestly admit: I don’t know. After my mother showed severe signs of dementia and almost died as result of falling in her home despite having a 24hr caregiver, I was forced to realize that the best for her is probably what she hates the most – leaving her home and moving into a nursing home. It felt to me like I was pushing her off the cliff to save her from a raging fire. I had the choice between almost certain death at home or letting her drop into the unknown – both painful options with no good way out. As a responsible daughter, you want your parents to be safe and cared for, and this is why you most probably choose the drop off the cliff into a nursing home. It hurts but once they land they are on safe ground.
When you are confronted by your parents’ lives ending, you must deal with questions nobody has prepared you for. As a mom you learned about raising children, but nobody taught you how to accompany your parents to the end of their lives. Many women are able to take their parents in and provide for everything they need. Others don’t have the option and reach out for professional help. There are certainly various options. Whatever option you choose, you are in charge and take over the lead. Your parents might not cooperate, they will be upset, scared or angry. Your role is ungrateful and nobody will appreciate what you do. You suddenly find yourself alone with a load of responsibility and despair.
Women wear many hats. We take care of our children and husbands and often have a day job. On top of that, we want to do the best for our old parents in a way that everybody is taken care of and nobody will complain. I call this a ‘mission impossible’; there is no way you will succeed.
So where to go from here? I can only provide you with what I have learned and tell you how I am keeping my head above water. I cherish what I have and every single day I see my family, husband and son, showing them my love and support. I do the same with my mother and confirm to her every day that I am there for her. I am not perfect, but I am doing the best I can knowing that it is never going to be good enough. I finally learned to accept that fact. Yes, I accept that I don’t have the perfect solution for everybody, and I ask for forgiveness and patience.
There is not one day that I am not concerned about the well-being of my beloved ones, but at the same time I know that I also have to take care of myself – my well-being. They need me and I want to make sure I can be there for them even with my imperfection. I must stay strong and healthy which is a real challenge in the struggle of paying back. There are certainly numerous methods to take care of yourself in trying times, but once you understand that your engine needs maintenance to perform, you can find the best service.
I wish you all the best for this part of your life. I have all the confidence that you will also do the best you can for the ones you love so much. Save some time for yourself and keep going. For my part, I will take a bath now and allow my muscles to relax from the tension that has built up with my concern about my mother who, like many mothers, needs her children most at this stage in her life.
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I have been there, with my mother, who passed away in 2009. I was working, and a single father of two boys at home. I supported my Father while my Mother needed us. She dedicated her life to us.
I cherished the last days with my Mom. It was an important time of my life, causing me to reflect on the important things. It became my purpose to preserve my Mothers Dignity, while letting her know how much i loved and appreciated her. I promised to pass her legacy on to her grandchildren and reassured her constantly how I was so proud of her life and how lucky I was to have her my Mom.
It was really a special time for me, a time that i reflect on weekly to this day.
When the time comes for a son or daughter to comfort their Mother and Father in their last days… I encourage you to BE THERE…HEART and SOUL It will likely be the most meaningful and important time in your life.
I loved what you wrote about your mom. Sometimes it seems so difficult to recall the ‘good days’ when our parents were young and active. It can make you angry to see when they become helpless and frail and you are losing them every day a little bit more. Your words were very encouraging and your invitation to cherish your parents for who they were and who they still are is wonderful. I agree that by accepting what is and as you said being there for them with your heart and soul makes this time of your life meaningful and special. Thanks so much for sharing, your words were very encouraging.