I dedicate this article to a wonderful friend. She represents feminine power in a way many women are striving for. Being hurt by an unhappy relationship, she still believes in herself and converts her disappointment into moving on – alone at least for a while.
Even when I was losing … I still had the feeling that he cannot hurt me. Either I can win the match, or I can lose the match. Sometimes I was a little surprised at how slow he played the balls.”
-Dominik Hrbaty
Many single women are very frustrated about their marital status. Why is everybody married but me? Why can’t I find Mr. Right? Why do I always pick the wrong guys? Why am I unable to make good choices when it comes to men? Why does my boss always pick me when it comes to working overtime while my married coworkers seem to enjoy marital protection? Why, why, why…
There are so many questions and doubts when it comes to finding a partner for life. Finding true love seems like a special gift only given to the selected – the lucky ones. That is not true. It is up to you to decide whether you are a lucky one or not. It is your very own decision to become a lucky one by believing in your femininity and the beauty of who you are. How can you do that?
Start with yourself by falling in love with yourself. Cherish the person you are and settle in a stable and safe space for yourself. Let me explain. If you want to sing in a duet or a choir, first of all you must develop your own voice. You practice with all your passion until you feel confident about your singing skills. It is not before you have reached a certain skill and confidence that you can sing in a duet or a group. The beauty of a duet or choir is combined voices at their best. Now let us apply this into a love relationship. First you must learn to be in tune with yourself and gain confidence and competence. In the next step, you can leave your safe haven and find a partner. Unfortunately there is another obstacle. Finding harmony in music by combining a bass and a soprano can become a challenge. The trick is to find a voice that works well with yours and makes a wonderful tone. Welcome to the world of dating.
There are so many options and I don’t want to talk about all the dating sites, singles events and other activities. I understand that you hate getting out there to go men shopping, but you must become active if you are serious about finding a partner. Nobody is knocking at your door other than the mail man (maybe he’s cute!). Dating will not hurt you as long as you are not needy and insecure. You must be a victim to become victimized. This is not the path you want to go. Make sure you are ready before you enter the dating world.
Assuming you have developed your space and found your voice, assuming you feel confident and self-assured, no man can truly hurt your feelings. No disappointment will be strong enough to destroy you and your beautiful voice. Why? Because you will always have yourself and that is your strongest asset.
Be a woman and act like one. Please share your own story about living a single life and dating.
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Just recently I had to make the hardest decision of my life: I had to sign the papers that sent my mother to a nursing home. You might ask, “What made this decision so hard and painful?” My mother lives on the other side of the world.
All your life your parents take care of you. They are there for you when you need them, always covering your back with love, support and sometimes financial help. They guide you and never judge you. They love you and never let you down. Then the day comes when they can’t keep up the role of the caregiver of their children. They start to require care – frail, often sick and in need. This is our time to provide the best care for the ones we love so much.
What is the best you can do for your parents? This is where the problem starts and I must honestly admit: I don’t know. After my mother showed severe signs of dementia and almost died as result of falling in her home despite having a 24hr caregiver, I was forced to realize that the best for her is probably what she hates the most – leaving her home and moving into a nursing home. It felt to me like I was pushing her off the cliff to save her from a raging fire. I had the choice between almost certain death at home or letting her drop into the unknown – both painful options with no good way out. As a responsible daughter, you want your parents to be safe and cared for, and this is why you most probably choose the drop off the cliff into a nursing home. It hurts but once they land they are on safe ground.
When you are confronted by your parents’ lives ending, you must deal with questions nobody has prepared you for. As a mom you learned about raising children, but nobody taught you how to accompany your parents to the end of their lives. Many women are able to take their parents in and provide for everything they need. Others don’t have the option and reach out for professional help. There are certainly various options. Whatever option you choose, you are in charge and take over the lead. Your parents might not cooperate, they will be upset, scared or angry. Your role is ungrateful and nobody will appreciate what you do. You suddenly find yourself alone with a load of responsibility and despair.
Women wear many hats. We take care of our children and husbands and often have a day job. On top of that, we want to do the best for our old parents in a way that everybody is taken care of and nobody will complain. I call this a ‘mission impossible’; there is no way you will succeed.
So where to go from here? I can only provide you with what I have learned and tell you how I am keeping my head above water. I cherish what I have and every single day I see my family, husband and son, showing them my love and support. I do the same with my mother and confirm to her every day that I am there for her. I am not perfect, but I am doing the best I can knowing that it is never going to be good enough. I finally learned to accept that fact. Yes, I accept that I don’t have the perfect solution for everybody, and I ask for forgiveness and patience.
There is not one day that I am not concerned about the well-being of my beloved ones, but at the same time I know that I also have to take care of myself – my well-being. They need me and I want to make sure I can be there for them even with my imperfection. I must stay strong and healthy which is a real challenge in the struggle of paying back. There are certainly numerous methods to take care of yourself in trying times, but once you understand that your engine needs maintenance to perform, you can find the best service.
I wish you all the best for this part of your life. I have all the confidence that you will also do the best you can for the ones you love so much. Save some time for yourself and keep going. For my part, I will take a bath now and allow my muscles to relax from the tension that has built up with my concern about my mother who, like many mothers, needs her children most at this stage in her life.
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A couple of weeks ago I went to an evening event at Cal Poly State University in San Luis Obispo with Ann Coulter. For those who don’t know her: She is a successful author, accomplished speaker and Fox News commentator, and you either love her or hate her. She is the “real deal,” which means she lets everybody know what she is thinking and feeling – with no exceptions. For me she is a masterpiece of authenticity for several reasons:
Ann speaks up even though she might be stepping on somebody’s toes (this happens all the time). Her honesty is mind-blowing and she says things you would rather not hear. Nevertheless, she speaks up because this is who she is and she cannot help but be herself. Her looks are stunning and if you think that a woman in her 50’s cannot wear short skirts, she will prove you wrong. Ann blows into the room like a whirlwind (not just a breeze), her long blond hair revealing femininity is stunning and deceiving at the same time. If you think you are talking to a blonde “girly” you are so wrong. It won’t take you more than 2 seconds to figure out that this woman is as tough as they come, yet she retains her femininity.
This is not a homage to Ann Coulter, but a call for more authenticity among women. You don’t have to agree with Ann’s politics and her style, but you can still learn a lot from her. The biggest lesson is this: Being authentic takes guts and having guts is reflected in how you show who you really are.
Don’t misunderstand. You should not try to copy Ann or somebody’s style or way of being. Instead, work on your own authenticity and being. Women often take the role of the pleaser. We don’t want to disappoint and we don’t want to show what we really feel or think. Women often hide and play the roles they feel they need to play to make things or their relationships work. We want others to like us and we want others to include us. Will others still like me when they know what I really think? Who cares? Would you rather be loved and respected for who you really are or for who you pretend to be?
The answer to me is a no-brainer. I want to be loved and respected for who I am. I have weaknesses and edges, but I have a lot to give. So do you! Don’t question yourself and allow others to consistently question you. Begin to embrace who you really are and let the world know who this person is.
You will make new friends and maybe lose some old friends. You will make many people happy while disappointing others, but one thing is certain, you will never be disappointed about yourself and you will never question who you are. That is the “real deal,” because you can rely on what really matters: YOU.
Be a woman and act like one. Please share your own story with us.
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As with many women, my life is pretty full. It is full of things I like to do, full of thing must do and full of things I feel I must do but don’t do. I hate these days when I run around all day long and by the end of the day I don’t even remember what I did. I am sure you can relate to these feelings. Most of us are multitasking busy bees taking care of everything and everybody and losing our sense for direction and meaning. To escape this vicious circle of “should haves”, “would haves” and” could haves”, I start each day with the question: What do you want to accomplish today? By raising this question, I make sure the day is not going to be lost and I find meaning and direction.
This sounds all great and I hope you trust my true intentions, but there is one missing link. By “saving the world” and giving meaning to my doing, I forget to save enough room for the people I love other than my family – my friends. My family always comes first, then my work and my passion for horses and then my friends. Uups, is there enough room for the people I appreciate so much? Do I spend enough time with my friends who I love and respect, who bring me joy and comfort and who are longing to spend time with me? Of course not, and this bothers me a lot.
Just recently I suffered a complaint of a very good friend who said that it is very hard to be friends with me, because I am so determined by my schedule. This hit me hard, and I hate to say it, but she was right. With a busy schedule, you begin to prioritize and every day you make a decision about what is really important, less important and what can wait for a while. As a result, you lose your flexibility and spontaneity. Schedules begin to rule your life. Being well organized becomes a demon constantly watching over you, making sure that you don’t screw up the so well prepared priority list. You put everything into a useful order and unfortunately some of your friends move down the priority list unless they scream for attention by becoming terribly sick or anything else tragic happens that makes you switch into emergency mode.
The fact is that there is hardly enough time for the inner circle of friends as well as your family. What happened to the woman you met a few months ago after work. You had the best time, great bonding, but…. You can’t really afford to have another friend due to your busy schedule. Or what happened to your friend from the old day? You always had so much fun when you got together. Sorry, my busy schedule hardly leaves any room for old friends. You have to stay focused on the inner circle and the friends who live close by. I could go on and on with examples of missed opportunities to be with wonderful people due to scheduling issues. Yes, social media such as Facebook helps you to reconnect, but no email or post can replace personal contact.
What is the answer to this problem you ask? How can you be focused and organized in life and still have room for your friends – close friends, second row friends and new friends? Honestly, I don’t know. I only know that I am not surrendering and that I will always try my best to be a good friend to the people I love and respect. My motto is: “Quality rules quantity,” saying I will make sure that I stay in touch with the people who are important to me and cherish the time I spend with them. I also enjoy the new and unpredictable encounters with people who are interesting and who I simply enjoy. We might not see each other as frequently as I wish, but when we are together we are having a great time. It is the moment that counts. A life full of great moments is a life better lived than a life with only a few great moments. If you add up all these precious moments they make a lifetime.
And here is the really good news: You are not alone with this problem. My friends fight the same demon and as long as we are all on the same page, we will not lose our valuable friendship. Instead we all work on the quality of the moment and generously neglect the rarity of the event.
Please share your own story and experiences.
Be a woman and act like one.
Hertha
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I did it. I fulfilled my last year’s resolution: I proudly present my first book:
Be a woman and act like one. Succeeding in business and life
For almost two years I have been talking in my blog about topics that relate to us women. At the same time I was working on my book which puts my mission into action.
How can you succeed in business the womanly way? You will find answers and guidance in my book as well as insights and exercises to become your own coach.
If you feel stuck in your career or in life in general, this powerful book will help you find the womanly way to success and happiness.
Be one of the first readers and order your copy. I can’t wait to get your feedback and learn from your personal experience.
Thank you my blog-friend for almost two years of loyalty.
Hertha
Order on Amazon here!
I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
I have just listened to my son playing this Christmas song on the piano. It brought me into the Christmas spirit and I am ready for the winter season to unfold.
Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home. ~Edith Sitwell
Enjoy this time of the year and bundle up in your cozy home. Anything you do that keeps you emotionally warm and safe is the best gift you can give to yourself and the ones close to you – you deserve it.
With love and the best wishes for you and your beloved ones.
Hertha
When we think about personal branding, we think of movie stars who successfully brand with their names and personalities. Their intentions to do so are mostly driven by financial purposes. The stronger your personal brand the higher your chances of getting hired for those big movie projects. ‘Fame rules the game’ and therefore building your personal brand is a must for the movie stars and the movie stars to be.
‘What do I have to do with it?’ you might ask. I understand that you are not longing for an acting career, but I assume you are longing for a successful business career. Why is personal branding an important factor when it comes to creating business success?
Women tend to underestimate their performance. A study conducted by the University of New Mexico, Anderson School of Management dealt with that topic. I talked about it in a former blog I wrote in August, 2010. As a result women seem to underestimate their values and benefits saying they draw a personal picture that reflects insecurity instead of self-confidence. This must change. A strong brand is successful when it develops a strong personality that appeals to people and their desires. On the other hand a strong personality needs to develop a strong personal brand image to make it visible to the world what they have to offer. Show the world what values you are standing for and shine like a superstar with one major difference. You are not just pretending, instead you are authentic and real which makes your personal brand even stronger.
I would like to recommend a number of steps that lead you to creating your personal brand in a manner that allows you to be your true self.
Step 1: How would you describe your personality? Be honest with yourself and draw a real picture of yourself with all the ups and downs. Nobody is perfect (which would be boring anyway) and therefore describe your personality the way you see it without looking through rose-colored glasses. Think of yourself like your best friend and describe the person you love and respect. Don’t forget we all have edges which deserve as much respect and attention as our beautiful features.
Step 2: Which market/environment are you living/working in? Before you are finding your position in a market place or in a corporation, it is important for you to be aware of what your environment looks like. Who are the major players in the market or your company? How competitive is your business and what are the demands and expectations? What do others have to offer and where do you see your position? This is a very complex question and you must give it thorough analysis to fully understand what the situation is and what the rules are.
Step 3: What are your benefits saying what do you bring to the party? Reconsider your positioning in the company or market you are targeting and make a list of what you have to offer. What are your benefits and strengths which make you desirable for a certain position or job opportunity?
Step 4: What can you offer that none of the other players in your market or your corporation have to offer? What is your unique selling proposition (USP) which makes you highly competitive with others? Find your own point of difference which can be a mix of your technical skills, emotional skills or other special skills of meaning. It is not enough to say that you are a hard and loyal worker. Find a USP that is strong and outstanding like ‘I am the only one in the company with a certain professional background (define what it is) and the flexibility to work anywhere at any time’. This is just an example and I am certain you can find some facts that differentiate you from others. If you cannot find sharp facts, you can also use your emotional skills as a door opener e.g. ‘I am a committed and loyal worker with a passion for what I am doing. I am not just doing my job I am living it with all of my heart”. Finding the point of difference is a very important step, because the promise you are giving is what sharpens your profile, which is essential for building a personal brand.
Step 5: The reason why. What is the basis for your assumption? Please summarize the arguments that are supporting your USP. Be authentic, this is not Hollywood! Give proof to what you are selling. If you are drawing the profile of a sharp and pushy saleswoman, you must be able to prove it. Don’t become a sheep in a wolf’s clothing. If you are gentle and calm, you will not be successful by drawing the picture of a wild lioness. Authenticity is the key to successful personal branding. If the job requires assertiveness and this is not your strong skill, it would be a fatal mistake to pretend you are that person. Instead, reconsider your position and either develop the missing skill first, or walk in another direction. Step 4 and step 5 reflect who you are and therefore they are creating your brand profile. Every personality has sharp edges and points of differences. It is up to you to reveal them and present them in the right way to the right people for the right position. The world does not only need lionesses!
Step 6: The communication strategy. How can you get the message out and present your personal branding successfully? Many paths lead to Rome, but you got to make certain that you always present your personality in a favorable light. Don’t abuse social media by communicating on Facebook what a hot chick you are or by showing pictures of yourself that are private and do not belong in public. You must find a solid and professional way to approach this topic. Whatever you do or communicate and wherever you present yourself in your environment, make certain the picture you create is the picture you want others to see. If you present yourself as a reliable and trustworthy team player it would be contra-productive to cancel meetings short notice for no reasons or excluding your team from important meetings to draw the sole attention to yourself. Your networking skills as well as your overall performance will speak for yourself. Therefore, you must give proof every day that the person you purport to be is the person you truly are.
Successful personal branding is based on authenticity, differentiation and a clear understanding and communication of what you have to offer and what is required. If you know how to brand your personality, you will convince others and you create an interest in your person and your skills. This is helpful when it comes to interviewing for a new job, negotiating a promotion or discussing a pay raise. Believe in the power of your brand and others will too.
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The other day while talking to a friend, I suddenly felt a heat wave working its way through my body. The other night I felt so hot, I had to remove the blanket from my bed. Many other occasions made me realize, I am a hot lady experiencing the typical side effects of menopause such as heat flashes, occasional lack of focus, partial memory loss (or procrastination!), sleeplessness and the urge to cry whenever there seems to be an almost appropriate occasion. Yes, I am in menopause and there is no way around this phase in life.
Misery needs company, because suffering with company is so much more fun. Most of my female friends are experiencing this precious phase of their lives and looking at them sweat seems like looking into a mirror. We are all sitting in the same boat with the urge to get to the other side of the river where it is quiet and relaxing. First of all we must keep on rowing and rowing to be rewarded. Sweat is the price for success or, as the saying goes, “No pain, no gain”?
Back to “misery loves company”: I recently celebrated my German friend’s 50th birthday in Las Vegas. We had a great time and, as you can imagine, she is now experiencing her first menopause symptoms like most of us do that age. We realized that although hot, our hot days are definitely over. Therefore, we spent most of the evenings in our cozy hotel room watching chick flicks after surviving exhausting shopping adventures. Instead of parties and gambling, we were happy to shop or relax at the pool and enjoy yummy food together with good wine. What was wrong with us? A lack of energy? Not really, but rather a desire for relaxation. We are not young girls anymore, and even though we spent a few days in a city that never sleeps, we felt an urge for sleep in an air conditioned room with pay TV and room service.
The highlight of our stay in Vegas was a helicopter flight to the Grand Canyon (which I highly recommend to anyone). The helicopter was even air conditioned. The other big event was the musical “Menopause” at the Luxor Hotel. Guess what, the event was crowded and basically monopolized by middle aged women. It was quite an experience, and the musical shows just how complex menopause can be. The quintessence was simple but convincing. We can’t change the facts, but we can change our attitude.
Menopause has many symptoms and there are medical ways to ease them. I am not a doctor and I am far away from giving you any medical advice or recommendation. Nevertheless, there is one piece of advice I want to give all women facing menopause: Take this phase of your life with a sense of humor. The change brings changes. Live with it and accept it, instead of wasting energy fighting or hiding it. Just be yourself and do what feels right to you. It is only a phase in your life and not a disease. Menopause will also pass. Remember puberty when you suffered from abdominal cramps and skin issues? Now talk about difficult! But it passed and made you a woman. This time you are in a phase that leads you to wisdom and makes you a mature woman. Look at it as a promotion and not a punishment. You have made it through life successfully. You are still in this world after going through childhood, puberty and midlife. You have survived life and your chances look good for many more years of survival. Celebrate this victory and allow your body to heat up in excitement about it.
Be a woman and act like one. Please share your personal story and tell us about your experiences in this special phase of your life.
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A gender driven world
When you talk to women about this topic you will hear all kinds of stories. Some have to do with harassment, others with admiration or even deep affection. “I love my boss, he is the best” or “he is a great guy, unfortunately he is married”. In my interviews I wished to hear more about men’s job performance and how they cooperate with women, but it seems like women often see the man and his male qualities with regard to women more than his qualities as a manager, coworker or boss. Why can’t women look at men without judging their male qualities always asking the question if they are suitable for their own needs? We expect men to look at us as managers in a professional manner, but we are not able to do the same. Why? It does not work that way. As much as you see the man in a man, a man sees the woman in a woman. We are not neutral, we are gender driven and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you stay fair and open-minded.
Knowing we are gender driven, we have to find a way to work with men efficiently, which is a challenge for many women. I would like to share a few episodes with you about how women have approached this topic.
Women and men in the workplace
I personally always liked to work with men. My experience was mostly positive which made it easy for me to be around men at work. I never felt hurtful competition between myself and other men, but occasionally I felt judgment, sometimes neglect which was an unpleasant encounter with the other gender. I once had a boss who did not seem to be in tune with me. He could not openly attack me, because my excellent job performance made me untouchable, but he tried to work behind the scene to pull business away from me. I never found out why he did not like me, but after I realized that there was nothing I could do to change his mind about me, I just kept on doing what I could do best and let him fry in his own fat. At the beginning I felt uncomfortable around him, but I got used to his annoying presence and I knew one day he could not bother me any longer. I looked at the situation as good training for myself with the motto ”Working under observation.” I dressed up for those occasions in every sense and this did not make it easier for him!
Other women have told me their stories. One anecdote is rather entertaining. A manager in my team suddenly found herself in a project group led by a former lover. He was a nice guy and he did not play that card. He was very private about the whole matter, but everybody knew and there was a certain tension in the group about what was going to happen between them. She could not care less about what others were thinking and she wanted the bubble to burst. One day in one of our weekly meetings it happened. She looked at everybody with a victory smile, then she turned to her new boss or should I say former lover and said: “You know, I have always loved to work under you!” The group was bursting with laugh and the matter was solved. The power of humor is sometimes irreplaceable.
The way out of the dilemma
In my upcoming book ‘Be a woman and act like one. Succeeding in life and business’ I talk about this topic in more depth. At this point I would like to summarize my thoughts and make a suggestion for getting out of the dilemma.
Men can become competitors in your struggle to climb the career ladder as much as women compete among each other. Especially in lower and middle management, the competition for the next step is tough. There are only a few promotions a year and the window seats are limited, which makes the struggle for those opportunities even harder. No matter which gender, the ambitious manager is working hard for a promotion. I don’t see a gender struggle, but a tough competition for a promotion.
If you are able to turn these struggles into challenges and the competition into striving for excellence, you are going to be so busy focusing on your job performance that you will forget about gender competition. Suddenly it is not about you anymore, but about how you can deliver the best results for your company. Don’t get lost in little battles, but focus on the big picture. You are just a little piece of the puzzle like everybody else. We all need to work together to create the big picture, which puts everything in the right perspective again.
Be a woman and act like one.
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What would life be without our best female friend? No gossiping, no tandem-crying when watching a chick flick in the movie theater, no exhausting shopping tours and above all no compassion when it comes to dealing with the male counterparts. We all need our girlfriends and especially our best girlfriends who know more about us than anybody else.
What men often consider artificial and redundant is indeed the most important relationship we women have. We can be happily married or happily single, yet we need our BFF more than anybody else.
Who is a true BFF?
A true BFF is more than just a shopping partner. A true BFF is the one and only person who listens to you without judgment and is always on your side no matter how wrongly you might have behaved. She is simply your best friend and there is nothing in this world that can destroy this deep affection and loyalty. A BFF loves you almost like your mom and dad – unconditionally. She does not want to change you. She loves you for who you are with all your ups and downs. A true BFF will tell you the truth even though it can be hurtful, but she will not withdraw from you because you did not live up to her expectations. Even though she is your best friend, she can be your toughest critic. Nevertheless she will never allow any negative feelings to come between you. She will never envy your successes and she will never question your abilities. A true BFF is hard to find, but once you found her she is irreplaceable and plays a major role in your life.
Now what?
The definition of a true BFF might sound like a dream come true. If you get lucky you might have even more than one BFF. It all begins with you. Do you have BFF potential? It always needs two to make a couple and it always takes two to build a long-term BFF relationship. Women with BFF potential often have at least one best female friend, while the ones without these skills often do not have these close relationships with other women. I think these women really miss a valuable experience and the support of a true friend.
The importance of the best female friend
The higher you climb up the career ladder, the more you are going to need your best female friend. You will have no real friends at work and, therefore, you need more support outside the company. You want to talk about your worries, your struggles and your successes to a person you can fully trust. You want to talk from woman to woman about your experiences at work, and you long for the female perspective on certain issues. Your true BFF can be the one person who listens to you, supports you and empowers you. She is your filter when you deal with anger, and she is like a journal patiently holding all your secrets sealed and safe.
There is so much to say in favor of the best female friend in your life, but the question remains how to find her and when you find her, how to keep her in your life.
I am lucky to have several wonderful female friends who are very close to me. However, the few with BFF potential are different in distinct areas. Let me share with you what I think distinguishes a good friend from the best female friend:
She always senses when I need her and then she is there for me without prior notice.
The minute she comes through the door, we are able to pick up where we left off. This can be after a day, a week or even be months ago.
She mirrors my emotional make-up saying she feels what I feel without further explanations. It is almost like chemistry.
She offers her support at any time and it never seems to be too much to ask for.
She makes me feel relaxed and comfortable. It is easy to be around her.
She shares my sense of humor, laughs and cries with me.
She loves and respects me the way I am.
She is my biggest supporter and my toughest critic. It is her privilege to say things I would kill others for!
She is the first person crossing my mind when I need to urgently talk to somebody other than my husband or parents.
Once you have found this quality in a friend, you better make sure to keep her in your life. How? The answer is simple. Be for her what she is for you. Thus. your relationship is balanced and happens on an eye to eye level. It must be a mutual experience and not just a one side affection to make it work for a lifetime.
Final thoughts
My praise for the best female friend does not imply that you can’t have male friends or that your family is not good enough. The BFF does not replace your family, but she is a wonderful addition, and there is nobody else who better shares your female struggles with you than another female.
Go for it and enjoy the pleasures of true women friendship. Please share your story of true friendship and why you think it is important to have this kind of a relationship in your life.
Be a woman and act like one.
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